The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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