Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
dude i'm inner monologue high
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
