I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
