My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
