babies were throwing up all over the place
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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