just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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