Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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