So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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