My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
