Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
