His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I need a hoe opinion
go on
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
