Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
