drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
What drink are we having for lunch?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
