Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
