Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
