There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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