I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
