you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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