It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
