don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
