I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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