What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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