i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
