Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
