have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
