i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
