i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
not ubering you a puppy
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
