i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
