Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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