saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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