This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
