driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
