You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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