i barfeds in our rink
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
