Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
