she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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