I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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