I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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