The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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