Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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