my phone needs a breathalizer
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
