Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
