Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
