you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
