Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
