tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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