So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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