even my farts smell like vagina
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
