I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
