dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
