hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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