You smell like a Billy Joel song
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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