no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
