In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
